|
|
|
May 15th, 2006
01:51 am
Sometimes I think I'm so stupid... so stupid to think that poeople might actually like me. Deep down i know that he doesn't acutally like me becuase he doesn't know me . And you can't like someone you don't know. And I don't like him ... I like the idea of him. I was telling that to Aaron tonight when we were talking and it's so the truth. I like the fact that some person might actually be interested in me becuase it doesn't happen that often. But now I'm starting to even doubt that he's interested in me in that why at all. Maybe he does just want to be my friend and I really have no place to argue with that becuase I don't have a whole lot of firends so it would be nice to have someone new to hang out with everyonce in a while. But I also just wish i could find someone to love me. I know that that's really not me but lately I have just had this longing to feel loved. I know that I'm loved by my family and friends but I just want to be in love with someone. I just want to be able to lay in someones arms and feel like everything is going to be ok. Did I think that this was going to come out of this situation no. I don't really know what I thought would come of this . Becusae I knew not to set my expectations high becuase of our track record. I don't think I know what I really want from anything. I just so badly want to feel like someone is attracted to me becuase I feel so down on myself all the time that it would feel so good to think that someone actually thought I was pretty or cute or anything for that matter. I'm just really tired and rambling right now but I had to get this out because suddenly all I want to do is cry.
|
February 11th, 2006
07:34 pm
I don't know what has happened here. Things are just so fucked up. And of course , it's all my fault. Some how I always come out looking like the bad guy. All I did was find a new friend. I can't help that he was someone who was freinds with someone else first. I can't help that we get along really well, I can't help that we like a lot of the same things, I can't help that we do a lot of things together. I can't help that for a while I was really happy here , something i can't say that I was at this time last year. But I guess that I'm just not supposed to be happy because lately I 'm just not happy. I feel like everything I do is wrong, I feel like people are constantly mad at me and I feel most of all that I have to chose between two people that i shouldn't have to choose between. I can't say that I haven't tried becuase I have but there is no use trying because it does me no good. I just dont' know what to do or say anymore because I know that anything i say will get turned against me and everytything will be my fault again. I don't know what to do or say anymore because unless i end my friendship with someone things are never going to change. I feel like I 'm suddenly in high school all over again and I have friends taht don't get along and I'm forced to choose. We are too old for this. People should be able to hang out together , people should not be forced to chose between their friends. And I won't chose between people . People will just have to learn to deal with things. Maybe certain people should look at themselves to see why things have changed ... maybe they are the ones who have changed themselves. Sometimes I like to go out and do things, I like to shop, I like to eat out , I like to just get out of the apartment at times and i shouldn't be punished for that. Maybe ... jsut maybe.. if some people decided to come along they would see that it is possbile to have fun. That maybe laying in bed and watching tv is fun at times but at other times it's fun to go out with your friends and actually do something. I don't think I have anything else to say. I will not apologize for the things that have happened becuase i don't feel like it was my fault. I don't think I did anything to wrong anyone. For once in my life I did things to make myself happy and I realized why I do things to please others . Becuase in the end it all backfires in my face when I try and make myself happy.
|
September 25th, 2005
10:04 pm
I realized the other day that I haven't updated this thing in forever. And I also realized that nobody really reads it so it doesn't really matter but anyway. Back at PSU. Things are pretty good. My classes aren't bad , a lot of reading that I really haven't done but they don't seem like they are going to be too difficult which makes me happy. Overall , things are pretty much the same as they always are.
Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've come to the conclusion that I'm just really lonely. I don't know what it is about this school but when I come here I always end up feeling like shit. Which isn't really a good sign. But when I'm here I get so homesick. I miss my parents, my dog , and my friends so much and this happens every year and it never gets any better. Every year , I think to myself , this is the year that things will get better but then I think to myself , that those thoughts are realistic. Because every year I come back the same me. The same not so pretty , fat , shy me . I wish I could change but changing is so hard. I just wish I had the ability to meet new people . I mean I love my friends here to death but I often times would like to know a few different people to just do something different sometimes. And I mean , yeah I talk to people in my classes and stuff but nothing ever comes of that. Also , I wish boys liked me , or for that matter even payed attention to me. I know I say that I don't really want a boyfriend but it would be nice to feel liked/loved every once in a while. I've wanted to write about all this for so long and I finally got a chance to do it tonight and it feels good to get things off my chest.
I think I need to go on a diet again. I've been eating horribly here and it's not helping me feel any better about myself. I also have to start going to the gym again. My foot is pretty much healed ( I got really drunk and almost broke my foot for those of you that didn't know) so I think I'm ready to hit the treadmill again. Maybe I'll go tomorrow morning.
Current Mood:  blah
Current Music: Because of You - Kelly Clarkson
|
August 24th, 2005
11:38 pm - Goodbye's are so hard.
I've done this 3 times already and it never gets any easier. I hate goodbyes. I know they aren't premanent goodbyes but that doesn't make them any easier. I'm going to miss everyone here so much. I'm going to miss my parent's , my dog and my girls like crazy. Tonight was so much fun. I went to see the 40 year old virgin with Liz and Erykah and it was so funny and we had such a good time. Then after that we said goodbye to erykah and met Michele at the Lexus. OMG!! I think it was the most fun that I've had all year. We had so many laughs and we ate so much food but it was so much fun. I always hate saying goodbye to Liz and Michele. They are the best friends a girl could ask for. I mean Michele does piss me off at times but I love the girl to death and I just accept that she is that way. And me and Liz are like the same person. We are so alike it's scary. The one good thing i know is that even though we won't see each other for 2 months that once we are reunited it will be like no time pasted at all. I take comfort in that. And I also take comfort in the fact that I have been friends with these girls for 14 yrs and I know that they will be there for me no matter what forever. Now all I have left is to say goodbye to my parents and my Peanut. As much as i might say that I don't like her that much I'm going to miss her like crazy. And my parents. I'm really going to miss my mom... the two of us have so much fun together and she always makes me laugh. And I'm going to miss my dad too ... the one who is always there to get me whatever I want (haha). And no that's not the only reason why I'm going to miss him. But I'm really going to miss everyone here so much when I'm back at school.
|
August 19th, 2005
11:29 pm - I've come to the realization...
I'm starting to think that I'm destined to do something with children. Too bad my major is political science and that has nothing to do with kids. I just was sooo happy at work this week. I love working with the kids. Though at times I wanted to slap or kill them, all in all it was a very good week. I think I was the happiest working there this week than I was at my other job all summer. But it's all over now and I would say that it was a success. I have a decent amount of money in the bank and that's all i really wanted.
Now it's time to get ready to go back to school. Part of me is really excited but another part of me isn't. I'm going to miss my family, my dog and my girls sooooo much. I've had such a good summer. I had a lot of fun even though we didn't really do that much. Took a few trips to the beach, a few to Staten Island and a whole lot of trips to Walmart, Target and the Lexus but even though they were just little things they were so much fun. So many funny moments and laughs.
Lost some weight this summer ... definately not as much as I would have liked to but I'm still semi-happy. I feel I got in better shape and that's a good thing. I just have to keep it up once I go back to school. And I've finally come to the realization that I'm never going to be a skinny / thin girl and I need to accept that and come to love myself for who I am. Ok , I will never believe what I just wrote but it's worth a try.
So there isn't much that separates me and Penn State... tomorrow I'm going to Walmart with Liz and then we are going to hang out at Michele's grandma's house and use her pool and watch the dog. Then at night I'm going out to dinner with my family and watching the Wedding Date with my mom. Sunday... who knows but I'm sure they'll be something. Mon. thru Wed. it's pretty much packing, last minute shopping and saying my goodbyes. I might go see a movie with Liz at sometime too but I'm not sure and then Wed. is our farewell desert at the Lexus.
I'm really going to miss everyone I"m leaving behind here like I always do. But I'm sure I'll have tons of fun at PSU. Though I'm already stressing about getting everything done and bought by Tuesday because that's when classes start. So that gives us 5 days to unpack, decorate and shop. Yeah , it should be an interesting first weekend back.
|
August 4th, 2005
12:14 am - Some things I recommend after this summer...
Movies :
Wedding Crashers ( the funniest movie I think I've ever seen)
Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Guess Who
Anger Management
The Notebook ( ok, I saw it last summer but I still love it)
Dodgeball
TV shows :
LAGUNA BEACH!!!( i've become obsessed with this show)
Will and Grace
Real World :Austin
Hell's Kitchen (too bad it's over already)
Music:
Anything by Natasha Beddingfield
Listen to your Heart - DHT
Don't Lie - Black Eyed Peas
Clothes :
Old Navy Flip FLops
American Eagle Jeans, Cami's and polo shirts
Anything Ralph Lauren
Food:
Cotton Candy / poprock's ice cream from Friendly's(thanks to Rachel)
Spring Mix salads from Wendy's
Veggie Delight subs from Subway
Mary Jane's french fries
Weight Watchers Ziti
Healthy Choice Cheese Pizza
Vanilla Bean Coolata's from Dunkin
Iced Tea/Lemonade Shaken Passion Tea from Starbucks.
ok that's about it. I officially have no life now.
Current Mood:  happy
Current Music: Will and Grace
|
July 28th, 2005
10:55 pm - I think I'm about 2 days away from a nervous breakdown...
I've come to the conclusion that I just do too much stuff and I need to take a break. I feel that I'm always on the go that I always have something to do. That there is never just time to sit around and do nothing. And on top of all that there are only about 4 weeks till we go back to school so that means in the next 4 weeks I won't really have time to do anything either. I still have so many things to do and people to see before I go back. It just seems endless all the things I have to do. Plus when we get back to school it will be like 5 days of stress because we'll have to get things for the apartment and unpack and all that good stuff. I just can't handle this stress anymore. And I know what some of you will say ... just don't do as much stuff but honestly it's not that easy. I leave my house at 8:10 in the morning and most times I 'm not home till 7 or 8 at night and then people call and ask me to do things and I would say no but I only get to see these people like 4 months out of the year so I want to spend as much time with them as possible.
This is totally off subject but I feel the need to vent about something. Since high school, people have always blamed me and Liz for not getting invited places. Like we are their fucking social planners or something. I mean granted me and Liz were usually the two that made all the plans but sometimes we didn't and it wasn't all our fault. And it's not our fault that a certain person sits at home every night and watches tv. Newsflash I do that alot too and I gasp... enjoy it due to the fact that i run all day long. And when you tell us on Sunday night that you are going to a concert on Weds. don't expect us to call you and invite you to a movie that same night. And don't call us and give us attitude becuase you didn't get to go with us. Was not seeing Wedding Crashers , really the end of the world to you?? Yes, we have busy schedules , yes Liz has gone on two, week-long vacations in the month of July and yes I went away for 5 days at the beginning of the month. But that gives you no right to call us and make it like we don't care about you and make it like we are just leaving you out. Also, my phone isn't ringing off the hook with you inviting me places.
Time for my second vent: Notice to people that I once knew in high school, please don't see me out places and act like you don't even fucking know me. Becuase really that's not cool. I have seen people out that I was just acquintences with in high school that have acted nicer to me than my supposed friends. I just don't get it. Was it the fact that me and Liz were together and you just didn't want to see that or is it that maybe you really weren't that friends that we thought you were.
I dont' know what to say. This summer started out very well but since the beginning of July things have just not been going as well. People are starting to act like we are in high school again and I can't stand it. I mean in the last two weeks i 've seen one person more than I have the entire summer and haven't seen another one barely at all and I think I kinda liked it that way. I don't know anymore. All I have to say is I can't wait till Liz comes back next Sunday because sometimes I think she's my only sane friend in NY.
Current Mood:  stressed
Current Music: The Fresh Prince
|
July 20th, 2005
12:20 am - Back to PSU in a little over a month...........
In 1 month and 6 days I will be back at PSU and the thought of that right now almost makes me want to cry. I'm so stressed out about going back to school and it 's over a month away. I think it's the whole apartment thing that 's stressing me out. We have so much to do for it. We have to figure out electricity and internet and all that good stuff. Plus we need to buy things and it's all starting to drive me crazy. Plus I have to pay rent in 2 weeks so that will be draining my bank account some. Then on top of all that I have to go shopping to get all this shit that i need on top of working and trying to see everyone. I just need like a week off. Too bad I can't take that because I'm poor and need to make all the money that I can. Ah. And to think it will only get worse once I'm back in school.
Current Mood: stressed
Current Music: Will and Grace on TV
|
July 1st, 2005
01:26 pm - I'm bored so I think I'll update!
Summer is going wonderfully!!!! I have done so much stuff already and had so much fun with my girls!!! We're heading down to the Jersey Shore again tommorrow which should be tons of fun! Then we're heading to staten island to drop Liz at Max's and to go to another punk show. Yeah, that should be interesting too. haha. But things are going good here. I can't complain , my summer has been tons of fun.
|
June 23rd, 2005
12:21 am - Summer
So Summer is like half over and I haven't written an entry in a long time. Life is going pretty well. I have a job that's boring but I really like the people that i work with so it's tolerable. Things are good around here. I have a lot of fun with my girls. We take a lot of trips and do a lot of crazy things but that's what I love about home. Being with my crazy girls doing crazy things. I've seen sooo many movies and have been all around the NY/NJ tri-state area. And there is still so much more to come. So things are pretty good here. I've been going to the gym alot and eating really good and I've managed to lose about 10 lbs. Pretty good I guess. I just need to lose like 80 more lbs. and I'll be good.
When I was laying in bed the other night before I went to bed I was thinking about my life and I realized that I couldn't really ask for a better one. I know I might complain about being fat and not having a guy alot but really I shouldn't. I have amazing friends and a wonderful family and pretty much anything I want. And I came to this conclusion .... I need to just accept the fact that I 'm never going to be skinny and that boys just don't seem to like me. I have no idea why they don't like me ( well I have a few ideas as to why but i'm not going to go into that) and I just need to not want one anymore and if one happens to come my way then fine but if they don't then so be it. I'm not going to live my life wanting something that 's not there. I'm not going to dwell on it anymore or make myself upset over it. I'm just going to try and accept things for the way that they are. I mean it would be nice to have someone but I'm not going to be down on myself just because stupid boys don't like me. I know that I am overweight but I'm not disgustingly ugly on a good day and I know that I'm a good person and i know that one day someone will see that. It may not be tomorrow or next year but I beleive now that I won't be alone forever so I need to just get over all this stupid stuff and gain some confidence in myself and then move on from there.
well with all that said... none of it will be held true because i will still complain that I'm fat and ugly and that boys don't like me but i'm going to try really hard and attempt to beleive all those words i jsut wrote.
Current Mood:  sleepy
Current Music: Will and Grace on the TV
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
absolut_jaz's journal